I sent this to my ex on November 20, 2011, but I didn’t die…
Back Story: Leonard Kim’s answer to What is it like to be in love with a gold digger?
Dear (ex’s name),
I’ve known you since I was 17. When I first met you, I fell in love with you. I’ve known you for literally 63% of my lifespan. Ever since I met you, I knew you were the girl I planned on marrying, and I would do anything in the world to achieve that.
When you said I was poor and made fun of me, I got a job at Macys… When the holidays came, I showered you in gifts. When you needed money because you were in trouble, I gave it to you… When you couldn’t pay me back and when you stole my wallet from me… I forgave you. I acted like I was mad at you beyond belief, and sure, I was mad, and I was mean, but it was only because I felt betrayed.
The feeling of betrayal was harsh, but what could I do… We were kids and kids made mistakes. In the back of my heart, I still loved you more than you could ever imagine though. Hell, I did all this while you were either single or in relationships with other guys, when we weren’t even together.
Years went by, we didn’t talk, you appeared out of nowhere, I was in a relationship. Half of me wanted to hurt you, half of me couldn’t believe that I had the opportunity to have you back in my life. I was ecstatic, but also cruel. I cheated on you and hurt you, but then I realized, I couldn’t live my life without you.
You inspired me to bring my income from $50k a year to $100k a year. All I ever cared about after that is making you happy. We did drugs sure, and our lives set out on a downward spiral, and then I lost you, for what I thought was for good. I sort of lost myself, I lost who I was, and I was beyond addicted to a drug. I ended up pushing you away, and you ended up in another man’s arms. I just didn’t know what to do, I was so overwhelmed…
I literally cried on my way home from your house when I tried to get you back… When I brought you Godiva, a Christian Dior necklace and other jewelry. Who knew… That would’ve been the saddest day of my life. The day, when I literally lost everything.
I cried on my way home from your home, closed my eyes, and intended to get into an accident. I wanted to end it all. Some force, that people may consider to be God, had overcome my body, forced me to press the brakes, and when I stopped… I was inches away from hitting the car in front of me. I was balling my eyes out… And reflecting back on the last few years… I would’ve preferred to have that be the last day of my life. I haven’t been able to bare life since.
What was I thinking… All I could do from 2007 was move backwards. I lost everything, I couldn’t pay off my credit cards, I lost my job, I lost my car… I lost everything I had. I lost who I was completely. It was the worst year of my life. I barely held onto my apartment, and I honestly don’t even know how I did that… Life just fell apart on me.
Each day, living without you was horrible, and all I could think of doing was figuring out how to get you back… Which, obviously I failed horribly at. Life was absolutely miserable. I could hardly make it through life… The happiest days of my life were over, and I was in complete gloom. I would never wish what I experienced that year upon my worst enemy, because it was beyond tragic. I never recovered from that year…
In 2008, I saw you, and hope was reenacted. I thought maybe, I could possibly have you back. My life got a little better, my income went back up, I was able to support myself, but I was still unable to achieve my only goal. To have you back. 2009, still was unable to have you… 2010, I was losing hope for everything… I’ve gone through multiple business failures and I was on the brink of losing everything. I was soon evicted. I then had to move back to my grandma’s house, but an opportunity arose, where I thought I could possibly have you back.
With that opportunity, I was also embarrassed as hell for you to see where I had fallen. I had no money, I lost everything again, and I couldn’t even afford my own place. I had to move back to my grandmother’s house. In hopes to impress you, I got a job at (lame startup) and was promoted to vice president. I thought this was it, I thought this was my opportunity to make $10 million and then be able to make all your dreams come true and to have you back.
Boy, was I wrong. I was working with a psychopath, who made the improper decisions to make a business move forward, and dug us all into a hole. I was embarrassed to see you, because I never had money nor a vehicle. Finally, I was absolutely fed up, I moved back to LA, and was ready to create a startup and work at any job I could find, to put my life back on track. I was ready to have everything I ever wanted.
I got my job at (current employer at that time), but I was still embarrassed to see you, because I wasn’t rich at the time, and I didn’t want you to see me living with a roommate, or being dead broke. I then just got scammed by my programmer, who (business partner) and I spent a fortune to, to develop an application that I wanted to make to revolutionize the nightlife industry.
He never delivered the product, and we were literally f***ed. I wanted you back more than anything, it was all my heart wanted, so I decided to stop being embarrassed and to try to get you back.
I thought you understood I was working my way to have you back, and that I would do anything to have it. Instead, all you did was call me a failure, when I had lined up an opportunity to open up a bar/restaurant, I had a job, and I was about to move into a home. I did everything, because I know how you are, and how you want someone of success to take care of you.
Unfortunately, things didn’t go out as planned, and I was overly stressed. You wouldn’t believe how happy I was to have you back in my life. You wouldn’t be able to fathom how much I’ve loved you and how much I always will. You wouldn’t be able to imagine how confident I was that my life was coming together, and I will have everything I ever wanted in my life… Which is you.
Unfortunately, things didn’t go out as planned for this, because (investor) ended up going to jail for some unknown reason, and all the plans fell through. I was overly stressed. I needed you by my side. You just vanished on me. I realized, what I had hoped for, what I have longed for my entire life, was gone… Forever.
I tried to lift myself back up, but for this whole last month, I’ve been beyond depressed. You told me to try to get over you, I tried… But I can’t. I put the rest of my life into perspective, and I realized… I’ll never have someone I loved as much as you in my life ever again, and I gave up hope completely. I don’t know if you can understand this, but… When you know you will never have what you’ve wanted your entire life… The meaning to life vanishes.
There becomes absolutely no meaning to any of it, all you want to do is die when you wake up. Every thought is just excruciatingly painful. Tomorrow becomes dark and hopeless. The raison d’etre is nonexistent. I’ve come to realize, that you wouldn’t be there for me when I need you the most, and I’ve come to realize, that I don’t have a place in this world anymore.
I first promised myself that I wouldn’t kill myself until after my grandmother was dead, because it would kill her inside to know that her grandson is dead. I thought I couldn’t do that to her… But, after what I’ve gone through… I can’t take this anymore. I have no hope for the future at all. I have no hope for tomorrow. I know, I’ll never have what I want, and it’s time to go back to live within the dirt I was born from.
I failed in this life, and I’ll never be able to have you… and you left me without warning, and stopped answering all my calls, and let me just kill myself mentally and become overwhelmed with depression. I can’t take it anymore, and I’m going to be leaving this world. Killing myself is the only thing I can think of doing, to end the pain. I can’t bare going through 60 more years of my life, knowing I’ll NEVER have you…
I can’t bare knowing that the person who I loved most wasn’t there when I needed her the most… I can’t bare being in that kind of pain… I can barely go the last month like this, and I’ve never gotten over you. I spent my whole life trying to figure out how to get you back, and I was so close to success… All just to have it slip out of my hands.
(Ex’s name), I love you with all my heart, and I always will. This will be the last time you hear from me, because I won’t be alive tomorrow. Have a good life and may you be able to have everything you want.
I’m sorry that all you can see me as is a failure, and that I couldn’t live up to your standards, because I’m not a “CEO,” even though my position at my startup left me with absolutely $0 and a ton of lost money with my company. I don’t have it in me to try anymore. Have an amazing life, and hopefully, butterflies really are god’s proof we can all have a second life… Goodbye my love.
Please, after you know for certain that I’m gone, contact my mother and grandmother and let them know I am no longer part of this world and I couldn’t bare to live in it anymore, but only after you know for certain that I will never breathe another breath of life.
Mom’s name and number.
Grandma’s name and number.
Originally posted on Quora.
Leonard Kim is Managing Partner at InfluenceTree. At InfluenceTree, Leonard and his team teach you how to build your (personal or business) brand, get featured in publications and growth hack your social media following.
9 thoughts on “My Heartbreaking Suicide Note”
So romantic brother.. I think your ex so spesial for you in last time..
Wake up man.. just look at your future..
Quite a letter Leonard.
It raised a lot of questions for me. Can you truly love somebody if they don’t love you back? What kinds of pressures to be “breadwinners” are many men still facing – and how does it play a role in their quality of life? Are males with a certain kind of “insecurity” more vulnerable to the kind of problems you dealt with?
Brave of you to share the letter.
Thanks Jeff. I thought hard about it before I did. Almost didn’t share it, just because of what people might think of me. I wish I had the answers to your questions. To this day, I still have absolutely no idea what those answers are.
It’s brave of you to make this public since our society doesn’t talk about this stuff (I got here googling “suicide” after all).