Fab Customer Service Experience, If I Must Say so Myself

Fab is the coolest company in the world.  I love Fab.  I haven’t bought anything from Fab for a really long time.  I feel really bad.  I should probably buy something from them soon.  So I don’t feel as bad for them being so amazing.

This is why I love Fab.  Because they’re CRAZY and they’ll do anything to make an unhappy customer happy.

Here’s my conversation with the best customer service representative in the world.

Attached Email Conversation:
HEADER:
Are you EVER Going to send me my order?
NOV 08, 2012  |  04:37PM EST
Leonard wrote:

It’s WINTER. It’s EXTREMELY COLD. I have waited SIXTEEN WHOLE DAYS and I still have not received my turtle neck OR my hoodie. They are NOT EVEN IN TRANSIT from your warehouse to my home yet. That means I will have to wait LONGER.

I’m FREEZING TO DEATH each and EVERY day. I’m like 90% certain, I’m going to end up turning into a popsicle before I actually receive my items. Thanks for helping in contributing in the freezing of a human specimen to be used for research and testing purposes in the future, once my body is discovered. :[

NOV 08, 2012  |  05:24PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Hi Leonard,

I’m sorry you are cold! I can completely understand, as I’m actually working from home today since a snow storm has shut down Fab’s NYC office. I hope Los Angeles is treating you a little better. I noticed that you’re due for some rain in a few days, so I hope the scarf you received on Monday can help keep you warm until it gets back above 70 degrees next week.

Speaking of next week, I took a look into your order, and noticed that the turtleneck and hoodie are on track for an on-time delivery. The turtleneck will still be delivered on or before 11/14, and the hoodie will get to you on or before 11/17.

Whenever an order on Fab is shipped, we send you an email that includes tracking information. If it starts getting close to the arrival date and you haven’t gotten a shipping email yet, just let me know, and I’ll be happy to look into it for you. You can email me or give us a call at 877.463.4322.

Best,
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 09, 2012  |  03:13PM EST
Leonard replied:

Ms. Nordeen,

Seriously… 22 days to receive my turtle neck and 25 days to receive my hoodie? That’s nearly a whole month to have something shipped out! These were impulse purchases, made when the first drift of winter breezed by my head, on a day where I felt some chills run down my spine. A day when fear of the freezing days of winter had overcome my mind, body and soul. I sought out solice, and I came to you. Unfortunately, as I lay in your bosom, I was promised fame and fortune, or in this case, warmth and comfort, yet I was left with nothing but anticipation, followed by disappointment.

I mean, quite frankly, if I didn’t really want the items I purchased, I would cancel my order… But I’m stuck in a position where I’m forced to abide by your every rule, waiting for you to finally provide your sweet nectar. Will I ever receive it? We have dates listed, but I’m not sure if they’re dates of hope, or more dates of broken dreams.

After making my impulse purchases, and browsing the web from competing sites, including your own, I have come to the conclusion that you make up and fabricate retail prices on your site… There’s no way that CK sweater retailed for $600. I’m quite certain you just pulled that number out of a hat. Afterall, its just Calvin Klein, another regular brand with regular priced items, much like what sweaters are seen on calvinklein.com, which retail in between $50-$150. I’m basically just paying regular price for a regular item.

Then you have to consider the savings on the hoodie… $10 + shipping and waiting 27 days? Is that even worth saving $10 over? I think not. I feel like your website was designed to cast a spell on me, much like a seductress of the night. I was tempted, I gave into my natural desires, and I fleed from home to have you. Unfortunately, you were just leading me on, so you can take all my money, much like the gold diggers I’ve met throughout my life.

I don’t think I can deal with you smooth talking operators over here atfab.com any longer. I made a risk of shopping and spending a few hundred dollars with you, but it surely has been the worst purchase experience ever. I’m sorry to say, but after I receive my items, if they fit and I don’t need to exchange them for another size and wait 3 more months for that process to complete, that I will have to discontinue our business relationship, as I will be returning to my wife who I deeply regret cheating on, Nordstrom.

Farewell Mistress of pain and broken dreams.

Yours Respectfully,

Leonard Kim

NOV 09, 2012  |  05:40PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Mr. Kim,

I myself have often succumbed to the terrible beauty of an impulse buy, and sometimes found myself burned. I do not dispute that these items were no swift shippers, and have left you out in the cold as you anticipated their arrival. I regret that their lengthy shipping window saddened you.

I do want to thank you for seeking solace in Fab’s bosom—I am told it is quite cozy. Fab, being a modern and transparent mistress, would never seek to lie to you. The shipping times are not dates of broken dreams, but of anticipated beauty, comfort, and envy of others. This information is visible for always in your “My Orders” page, here:

https://fab.com/my-order/

We never want to disappoint you, only delight you in a cornucopia of design. We hope the much anticipated nectar that is your purchase will make you smile, as you are designed, and seeks to improve your daily life.

I assure you that we continually strive to better ourselves. Behold, a sweet gift selected from the Holiday Gift shops below will ship out to you in as soon as 3 days:

https://fab.com/holiday-gifts/

I also want to address your concern about item costs. I assure you, we only show the prices that our designers provide us and would never inflate them. If you ever see a price that seems odd, I want to know.

I cannot argue that the American Apparel Hoodie is a little more ubiquitous, and yes, we offered it for a mere $10 savings. This sale was built so you could buy these items with other fantastic designs, without ever leaving home. It is true that you could purchase this hoodie and other American Apparel designs from many local stores, but then how could we spare you from the perils of public shopping? Do you not fear the unknown of who touched that hoodie before you? Which snotty-faced child could have smeared his face on the sleeve before you rescued it from the public domain? This hoodie is in pristine condition, and worth every penny.

However, your money is not as important as your happiness and satisfaction. Although these items are not technically late, it doesn’t change that you are disappointed. To prove that I want more than your wallet, I have credited $10 of the shipping costs back into your account.

I think these items will fit you beautifully, and you will have no need for a return. If, however, your beauty is not proportional to the clothing you purchased, then I will personally oversee your exchange, or return—whatever pleases you more. An exchange would never take more than two weeks to process; you have my word.

When the sharp pull of winter, desire, or gift obligation sets you toward online stores, I hope you will remember Fab. No other shopping site has these options, the possibility of savings, and what’s more, the customer service we promise. Please don’t break up with us yet. Your devoted mistress of design wants you back.

By the way, your email was the best part of my day. I hope this can be the best part of yours.

Yours Sincerely,
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 15, 2012  |  02:02AM EST
Leonard replied:
Ms. Nordeen,

At first, when I saw your kind words of love, I was left speechless. I was completely enchanted by your every word. All I wanted to do was cuddle up in your warm bosom of life, and I forgave you for all your shortcomings. I heard the word gift, and I was so excited, all I could think of were ways to please you. I wanted to just be the man that you could count on, the man that a mistress needs in her life.

But now, as I look at the tracking of my package, I have come to find that my turtleneck is officially late. Late to the point where it has not even shipped. I sensed that your words were misleading, but I refused to believe it. As time has progressed, I have come to find that it is true. You are just stringing me along, making me strive for just a taste of your sweet nectar. A nectar so sweet… That it would leave me in complete euphoria.

This feeling… Which seemed so close… Just feels like a distant memory. Will I never be able to taste that sweet nectar again? Will I never be able to feel the warmth of your bosom?

Are you even real? Are you a part of my life? Or are you just a figment of my imagination…

I feel I’m starting to lose touch with reality. I can’t tell right from wrong, nor black from white. Have you hypnotized me to the point where I can no longer function without you? Will you ever really come back in my arms?

At least I know you’re not using me for my money, because you did seem to give me a credit of $10 to my account. A gold digger you surely aren’t, yet for some reason… My checking account shows a new pending charge of $96.90 in addition to my fulfilled transactions of $126.20 and $80.75.

Honey, are you out shopping with my debit card again? If so… You better be buying lingerie, because with all this depression that I’ve been overcome by… I’m going to need something to spice up my life.

Seriously though, the air around me is growing thin, and my vision is weakening. My bones are losing density, and my body 麻将机 is becoming frail. The only possible way to rejuvenate my soul would be if you could just provide one drip of your sweet nectar… On my tongue… Before I fade away, and drift endlessly at sea like the rubber duckies from China, that landed on shores all across the world.

Before I’m lost at sea, without any hope to ever recover, I have a few last wishes to request. I’ve lost hope in you as a mistress, so I will look to you as my genie, much like what I did growing up through my youth, as I watched Nick At Nite. If my wishes are not fulfilled, I will be sending out little tiny Gnomes to eat up your Thanksgiving turkeys.

#1. Deliver my package by spaceship.
#2. Introduce me to the aliens who will destroy the world on 12/21.
#3. Throw me a parade performed by monkeys and manatees.
#4. Fly Becca Nordeen out to CA to buy me dinner on the last day of the world.

According to Aladdin, I know Genies can only grant 3 wishes, but you’re a genie of beauty and disappointment, so I demand one more. Please, do everything in your power to make my last wishes come true, oh Genie of mine!

Yours Respectfully,

Leonard Kim

Becca, by the way, your letter was the best part of my week, and if it wasn’t for that, I’d be completely infuriated about not having my package on time, or having a pending charge on my account that I never made. Honestly, I’m just slightly disappointed about it now, and more glad it provided an opportunity to write back.

If you could pass a message along to your supervisor, please let him/her know that you write amazing copy, and you made a customer who is currently going through totally weird issues with a company (unfamiliar charges, item not shipped yet) not go on a negative PR frenzy bashing the hell out of your company through multiple media outlets. You deserve a raise or promotion, especially if you’re able to keep a customer happy after experiencing issues that a drop-shipping flash sale company can’t control.

Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 15, 2012  |  05:19PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Hello Leonard,

I was very pleased to hear from you. Regardless of the matter. Why? Because I can help–and I will. I’m glad my words left you wanting more, but hate that your Fab experience has been less than ideal. I want more for you. You make me want to be more, do more. I still stand by my words of love.

I looked at this forsaken order once more. The joy I felt when I saw that your handsome hoodie was shipped (and will arrive Tuesday), was vastly outweighed by the despair of your delayed sweater. I never wanted to hurt you, to lie to you, to make you cry. That turtleneck has made a mockery of me, and I wish to pummel it with tiny fists. How can Calvin Klein be of any value without a man to shape it? How can a man face the winter without a designer sweater to rely on? You are more than clothing, but what is your clothing without you? Little more than a distraction meant to tease you. How dare it?!

How can I win you back? How can I make you see that I can only give you my best–even when my best will leave you wanting…a sweater. It is late: I cannot deny it. Late to the point that I am slightly embarrassed, and despair my team could not get it to you yesterday. This is not a one-woman team, because if it were, you would be satisfied. When I heard of your delay, I sought the truth from anyone who could provide it. I banged on doors, and demanded answers. The truth I received was not a pretty one:

Alas, this is actually a hurt that Sandy caused. The order shipment from the designer which included your sweater, was damaged in the storm, and unfit for sale. It would be worse to receive a ruined sweater, than wait a bit longer, would it not? We are actually asking Calvin Klein for replacements as I write this love note.

I am real, and promise you real results. Stay with me in this reality, and I will lead you down the right way. This black and white text can still bring a colorful solution to your life. We will always have this moment in time, but I wish for the sake of your greater happiness, that you did not need me. I will offer what no woman typically will: a choice. Would you prefer to wait for the possibility of a replacement, or call it quits right now? I bend to your decision, and will only cancel this order at your discretion. If you want to wait, I will gladly keep you from wondering as to its status. You would hear from me often, with truths and solid information until it arrives to your waiting arms. Just tell me how to please you. Regardless, because I could not deliver it on the 14th, even though I had said I could, I want to give you more. A gold-digger I am not: another $10 credit awaits you for the delay. This is not how I wanted our relationship to end.

By the way, if I did have your credit card, I would be at your doorstop, holding the forsaken sweater, with a promise of future happiness. Let me shed some light on this billing issue. We don’t charge your card until the items on your order ship. When you first place your order, we do an authorization for the amount of your order. An authorization reserves the amount for when we do ship your item without actually taking the funds out of your account. Authorizations only last a limited amount of time, so we’ll periodically reauthorize your card until we get your order out the door. We charge you for items as they ship, so if part of your order ships, we’ll charge your card for those items and then reauthorize your card for the rest.

When you first placed your order, an authorization for the total amount of $209.95 was temporarily placed on your account (10/23). When the cashmere scarf shipped, a settled charge of $80.75 was finalized, and a new temporary authorization of $129.20 was accessed. Then, once the hoodie shipped recently, a settled charge of $32.30 for that. The final balance authorization of $96.90 is just for that missing sweater, and again: is not a charge. The absolute most you will ever pay is the grand total of $209.95. That is something about which I could, and never would lie.

Don’t give up on me yet–I have more to offer. My limits are yet untold. Nick at Nite raised us well, and I wish a nod of my head could grant all your aforementioned requests. Spaceships, Aliens, and Monkeys parades are sadly not in your future. Give me some time on the Manatees, but don’t get your hopes up. And who really wants to know when the world will end–I like surprises. I do wish to share a meal, but email will have to suffice. Do not limit fate: we could still meet on the final day of life, and if we do, it would be too late to warn the masses.

Your servant always,

Becca

A final note: Thank you so much for your kind message. I do strive to give our members the best service I can, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your understanding. You have been a joy to break up an uncultured day. My supervisors have already seen our exchanges, and granted me the extra time to devote to these online rendezvous. I can’t perform magic, or grant beautiful wishes, and sadly, cannot hand deliver an errant turtleneck. But I can do anything possible to keep you happy until it arrives. Your understanding is overwhelming, and please know: delights me as well. I will say, if you were to go on an online rampage, I know it would be well-said.

Adieu, till we meet again.
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 16, 2012  |  12:39PM EST
Leonard replied:
Ms. Nordeen,

As pleased as I am that my hoodie is on the way a few days later than the anticipated arrival date of today, along with receiving my scarf on time, the main reason I decided to start our affair was because I truly wanted your sweet nectar, that beautiful purple turtleneck, hand crafted by the Gods of fashion himself, Calvin Klein. Everything else was just icing on the cake, and just things to add to my ultimate desire.

After hearing of your everlasting love for me, I have come to find, that it wasn’t I that was losing touch with reality, nor was it I who couldn’t tell right from wrong, or black from white. It wasn’t I that could no longer function. It was the turtleneck that was destroyed by that shrewishly termagant lady who we have all come to despise, the one who destroyed everything from taxi lots to the everlasting Tesla generators which provided free energy in the great state of New York. Sandy, that nefarious beast that is a disgrace to all of society, went not only on a violent rampage on your city, but she did everything she could to try to separate us.

Do you think she was jealous of the love we shared? Did she want us all to suffer without the feeling of love, the hope for a new tomorrow together? She huffed and she puffed and she drowned our sweet turtleneck away, to the point where our work of art became a disastrous mess. And for what? To test our love and our strength to make it another day?

She tried hard, but unfortunately, she failed. Fortunately, I have the kind of mistress who understands my true needs. A choice you say? I can’t even remember the last time a love of mine would even be able to grant me something as much as a choice. It was always “I want to eat here, we’re going to go here, let’s watch this movie, I want chocolates.” I never once heard, “what do you want?” until today. And for that, I’m not only satisfied with the love that you have shown for me, but I yearn to see what other desires of mine you can fulfill.

I have to say, that I will have to make the choice of waiting once again for my sweet purple turtleneck to arrive in the mail. Oh love of mine, you are so kind, to offer me another $10 to spend on a lovely transaction that we can share together.

I understand that at times, we all feel the need to spend a little here and there, and sometimes we want to see if we can get away with spending a little cash on ourselves, I mean the many women I have been with have tried it multiple times. It’s not unusual, and it’s nothing new, but if the money will make it back to me, then I surely can trust you, can’t I my darling? Even though… If you did go out and buy lingerie… I gotta say, I wouldn’t have been the least bit disappointed.

And who am I to think you could even possibly be a Genie? Oh what delusions I must have been overcome by. My dear mistress of life, your bosom is warm and calming, not blue and humongous, like what Disney has shown me. You’re an angel from above, guiding our path each and every night, like the Star that shined bright in The Princess and the Frog. Show me the way to our future together, so we may both fulfill our each and every desire.

My dedicated mistress of fab, why don’t we do this? Since we are sticking together, and I know your love for me is strong, we both know your benefactor Calvin Klein, the true God of Fashion, owns a Multi-Billion Dollar Enterprise. He has been able to support you through thick and thin, and I accept that. I request, that you share my experience with Calvin Klein, to see if your benefactor can help in keeping me pleased in this unfortunate circumstance.

I see you have done everything in your power to keep me happy with Fab, and being a dedicated client to Calvin Klein, I’m sure they want to keep me happy as well, since I currently own many of their suits, and plan to purchase a copious amount of suits from them in my life. We both know these items you retail are discontinued items that have not been able to successfully sell on the retail marketplace, and are being sent out to drop shipping companies like yours for a loss on their initial profit, since there is no market for these particular items.

I’m sure, that you, my mistress of hope and serenity, can speak with your benefactor CalvinKlein, and request that he add as many gifts as he can to my order to make up for this traumatic experience. Being that he is the true God of Fashion, I’m sure he will find it in his heart to be quite generous to one of his loyal servants, who again chooses to wait patiently for the ultimate gift, the purple turtleneck.

From you, I want nothing more, than for you to show me your love, and help advocate on my behalf to this almighty benefactor whom I wish I could be like. Having such an enterprise as a global designer clothing line, is such a dream for the likes of any mere mortal being such as myself. Please, oh mistress of warmth and hope, be my liaison to happiness and help share my immediate distress to the God of fashion, Mr. Calvin Klein himself.

With all my Love,

Leonard Kim

NOV 17, 2012  |  04:52PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Oh Leonard,

How can I leave you in the cold, wondering if this godforsaken turtleneck will ever arrive? I may not know much, but what I don’t know could be as valuable as knowing it–it yet still could be yours. I want it to be yours, forever. I will never stop asking until I know where it is, and when you will get it.

Soon the hoodie will be at your home, by Tuesday I suspect. I can almost see you know, running on the beach, with a handsome cashmere scarf blowing in the wind. Where are you running? What awaits you in the sunset? I hope it is a turtleneck. May “god” let it be so.

I have made offerings to Calvin Klein’s fashion friends–begged my priests of communication to petition on your behalf–for this simple form of clothing satisfaction. Simple yes, but immortal in its elegance. Love cannot be thwarted by a hurricane–it IS hurricane. Your love for this turtleneck is no exception. I pray that the jealous tropical witch, Sandy, only delayed your winter wardrobe–not destroyed it forever. There is a new day ahead, and it holds the promise of the possibility of being reunited with your beloved turtleneck.

It thrills my soul that you have a new found patience to wait for its arrival. I was happy to ply your will with credits, and they do hold the promise of a new, timely order. Your happiness brings me more of the same. Call me Evangeline, and I can be your Belle, your star.

I do not yet know of a promise of gifts, but I can say that a loyal and dedicated client such as yourself surely deserves them. I have asked, now may you receive. No news might be good news, but in this case, you shall be flooded with information. I will keep you dutifully aware until satisfaction can be achieved. Fear not, you will not be forsaken.

All my best,
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 20, 2012  |  04:18PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Hello Dear Leonard,

As per my promise, an update on your poor turtleneck: the sun rises once more–and with it, new hope. It looks like the gods of fashion are smiling, and my associates are working to replace the damaged fashions. They know it is now quite late (though still fashionably so), and will be addressing this at once! Expect a less well-worded message from my compatriots soon.

As for me, I am well: so kind of you to ask. Yes, it has been tiring, seeking your sweater. Too many nights I have tossed and turned–sleepless with worry. Will it arrive? Am I a liar? What purpose does my life fulfill? I can not wait to answer these questions with the greatest answer to the most important question: “when will you have your Calvin Klein turtleneck?” The answer will come.

Until then, wait on baited breath, and you will hear from me soon. My mission has not ended.

Best,

Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 20, 2012  |  06:44PM EST
Leonard wrote:

Ms. Nordeen,

It seems the Gods of Fashion are smiling, especially if my poor little turtle is crawling its way back to where he belongs, in my loving arms. No longer does he need to hide in his shell while the storms of Sandy destroy the surrounding areas. Soon he will be free to roam the streets of Los Angeles, swim in the beaches of Santa Monica & Venice, meet many hares and tortoises and make new friends. Who knows, maybe he’ll even decide to start a race and win!

Did the true God of Fashion, Mr. Calvin Klein respond at all? Did he want my dimensions so he could provide me with a plethora of gifts to make up for this traumatic experience? I hope he has.

In shirts, I wear an American 15 or European 37/38. In pants, I wear an American 32 or a European suit 48. In suits, I wear an American 38 or a European 48. I wear an American 8.5 in shoes. In generic sizing, I fall straight into a medium fit.

I’m sure your benefactor, the true God of Fashion, Mr. Calvin Klein himself, is working personally with Francisco Costa, Italo Zucchelli, and Ulrich Grimm to pave the roads to ensure that I will never be disappointed again. I’m sure, that as we speak, they are clearing out the grey skies of gloom, while replacing them with powdery blue skies, giant puffy clouds,and bright yellow beams of hope, or as we call it in California, sunshine.

Do not fear Ms. Nordeen, I’m sure that both of us will be saved by your benefactor. No longer will you have nights where you toss and turn, and are drowned in a misery of worry, as you look for ways to please me. We must stand united, and pray that your benefactor will be able to fulfill our every wish, because you surely didn’t deserve one ounce of the troubles that you have gone through.

Let us lock hands as I lay in the warmth of your bosom, and await to see how our savior decides to bless us for each day to come.

Yours Respectfully,

Leonard Kim

NOV 21, 2012  |  05:36PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Hello Mr. Kim,

If ever a turtle could, then he would of course belong to you. I am saddened to respond that there has been no direct word from the highest peaks of fashion heaven. Although, many times, in the harshest of circumstances, the heavens are silent. It is like they are saying, “Be patient: joy is coming.” Nevertheless, I’ll pass on your measurements immediately.

Is it sunny there? I feel like the gray clouds are also parting here, in the gloomiest of the eastern coast. How far we are, but yet–so near. I feel my soul lightening even now. I think soon, soon I will rest soundly again.

Wait, what’s that I hear? Do my senses deceive me? NO! At last, the truth we have always sought: your turtleneck has shipped. Here’s your tracking number (which you can also find on https://fab.com/my-order):

1Z6W28610376420178

Let it be a beacon of hope and truth; a way to chart this final odyssey, and the most important fashion journey of all. A caveat: do not despair or curse my name if, upon first investigation, it proves worthless. This sweater has been delicately wrapped to arrive to you soon, bathed in packaging just a few hours old. As such, it can take about 24 hours to finally report its whereabouts. By then it will have descended from heaven and begin its march to your arms.

Please let me say, I’m truly sorry that your order went out later than we’d originally estimated – it’s not the experience we want for Fab members. I want you to know that we’re putting all our efforts into avoiding delays at all costs. Speeding up shipping is our #1 priority. Did you receive a message from my team? Joy of joys: you will find yet another $10 credit in your Fab account. Patience, in this sense, is a virtue. Enjoy.

If you have any trouble receiving your order, just let me know! I’m happy to help. You can email me or give us a call at 877.463.4322. I’m now, and always, at your service.

Adieu.
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 23, 2012  |  03:28AM EST
Leonard replied:
Ms. Nordeen,

Oh how excited could I ever possibly be? Soon… I will be able to have my sweet nectar arrive at my door step. The anticipation… The waiting… The heart breaking disappointments of never seeing my baby arrive… They’re all gone, all gone! Now all I can do is wait with joy and happiness for my ravishing purple turtle to arrive.

To show my appreciation of how electrified I am, and for our lovely experience together through these wobbly times, when our love was almost banished to the depths of hell, never to be seen again… To prove my love for you, and for all that you have done, I have decided to give you a delectable gift, straight from the bottom of my heart. A gold digger you surely aren’t, for you have helped assist in funding this amazing gift I have sent off to you.

Soon, at your door step in your wonderful New York office on the 8th floor Morton Street, you will be welcomed by not only one, but TWO boxes of the most astonishing French Macarons that your eyes have ever seen. Not only will they bring your eyes to a dazzle, but they will spark up your tongue with a taste so sweet and delicate, they will leaving you savoring for more.

Behold, not only is this a gift for you, my darling angel, from whose bosom I will never leave, but this is a gift that you will be able to share with your whole office, as you are blessed by the Gods of Thanksgiving and Christmas, and possibly even Hanukkah as well.

I will patiently await for our turtle of love to arrive, and will cherish him as I have cherished you. If you do happen to hear back from Gods of fashion over at Calvin Klein, I would love to know.

Until then, I bid you adieu.

Yours Respectfully,

Leonard Kim

NOV 23, 2012  |  03:13PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
My dear, dear Mr. Kim,

You are too much! That was really, really nice of you. My office family and I will be delighted, and wait with baited breath.

Your nectar, your beautiful purple turtle is on its way! However, what kind of Crackerjack would I be, if I didn’t see this through to the end. I just checked on your tracking, and that little turtle isn’t winning any races just yet. In fact, he’s hardly moving. Don’t worry about him, he is safe in my arms. I’m sure my team can encourage him to leave the nest, and head toward the western shoreline! I’ll let you know when he gets a move on.

What a delight, a joy, a revelation to hear of this holiday delight, soon to ship to me! I appreciate your appreciation. I think it is hilarious that you used the credits to fund this edible gift, and what’s more–we are again of the same mind. I have a gift for you. A bit slower perhaps, but always with you in mind. You’ll receive an email when it is on its way, so get excited. (It’s a surprise) And as true love demands, I ordered it first, last week, for you; I wasn’t going to tell this secret, but your gift demands its acknowledgement. I shall think of the cookies as my karmic reward.

I’m quite proud of your sleuthing skills, and discovering our PRECISE address. You rock. I haven’t even tasted these French pleasures yet, and already I am left wanting. What a promise! What a gift from the heavens! While god himself remains silent, the yelp of happiness I will release when these cookies arrive will be heard nationwide.

I’ll email you as soon as the baby turtle gets crawling.

At your service always,
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 24, 2012  |  06:00PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Mr. Kim,

As promised, our little love turtle is finally grown up! He is coming to you now! According to your tracking, he will finally come home on Friday, 11/30. Oh joy of joys! How long I have waited to tell you this news!

I cannot wait for you to tell me that at long last, he is where he belongs, and fabulous to boot. I hope your holiday has treated you well. Now to watch him wing his way to you.

Best,
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 25, 2012  |  04:22AM EST
Leonard replied:
Ms. Nordeen,

Each night I dreamt that our little baby turtle would one day fly. As humans once did, when they flew through the skies in balloons and in machinery. Then pigs had developed a way to attach wings to their lovable bodies, and flew around in the backgrounds as we counted the sheep who hopped the fences before the commencement of our endearing dreams.

The day has finally arrived, where our little purple turtle has grown out its wings and is heading from the east coast to the west. I hope he has a safe flight, through the 3,000 mile trip past the Gettysburg, Mississippi river, the Great Plains and then the Rocky Mountains. Kind of reminds me as I sat in a class room on a Macintosh with a green screen, playing Oregon Trail for the first time. Oh how I pray that our little turtle of love and joy doesn’t catch a cold on his first journey alone.

I hope you were able to enjoy your sweet delicacies during the coldest winter days, while the sun shines behind the clouds, before the sprinkles come during midweek. I will be awaiting the yelps of happiness to echo throughout the world, quite possibly in the form of an earthquake in these palm tree ridden streets of California. I shall lay my head to the ground, tilt my ear to the surface, and await for the earth to shake as the heavens part ways while your mouth succumbs to every last piece of the Macarons from the Rivieras of France.

Yours Respectfully,

Leonard Kim

NOV 27, 2012  |  12:00PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Mr. Kim,

That day is soon. Your special little Turtle will make this coming Friday, indeed, a Good one. It looks like he is visiting the delightful shores of New Jersey. Obviously wishing the Sandy victims well, and mourning his first incarnation. Now, like a Phoenix, he rises to reach you soon.

Alas, the sweetest moments of France are not yet mine to savor. I checked out the status of your thoughtful order for me. It hasn’t shipped yet, but it’s estimated to get to me on or before 12/03. Then, finally, will the joy of said delicacies be mine! Oh, you’ll hear of my excitement, my joy and bliss. However, I think the earthquake you might feel will likely be the arrival of your turtle, thundering his way to your door.

Till that life -altering moment,

Best,

Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 30, 2012  |  06:37PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Mr. Kim,

Did you hear it? Was it audible from NY to CA? Something french, delicate, and tasty arrived! Oh my goodness, thank you so much for my special treat. I cannot express how special it made me feel. I shared a few with the team, but of course, I am hoarding the rest for myself. See the truth in my photo.

Also, I thought you would like to know that the tale of our epic exchange has spread far in the Fab office, and is appreciated for its beauty. Behold, another surprise to remember you. My team bought this sign (second photo) so that I never forget you. Soon you will also receive something to remember me!

Alas, I have no such conversation from the divine Calvin Klein. The scared words are hidden deep within the recesses of my team’s emails, and likely, are just from a priest, not the god himself. How is your little turtle by the way? Perfect as you expected? Let me know.

I’m always here, chained to my desk, if you need me!

Best,
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

NOV 30, 2012  |  06:00PM EST
Leonard replied:
Ms. Nordeen,

May you please email me the conversation that you had with Calvin Klein
please?

Thank you.

Yours Respectfully,

Leonard Kim

NOV 30, 2012  |  06:37PM EST
Becca Nordeen replied:
Mr. Kim,

Did you hear it? Was it audible from NY to CA? Something french, delicate, and tasty arrived! Oh my goodness, thank you so much for my special treat. I cannot express how special it made me feel. I shared a few with the team, but of course, I am hoarding the rest for myself. See the truth in my photo.

Also, I thought you would like to know that the tale of our epic exchange has spread far in the Fab office, and is appreciated for its beauty. Behold, another surprise to remember you. My team bought this sign (second photo) so that I never forget you. Soon you will also receive something to remember me!

Alas, I have no such conversation from the divine Calvin Klein. The scared words are hidden deep within the recesses of my team’s emails, and likely, are just from a priest, not the god himself. How is your little turtle by the way? Perfect as you expected? Let me know.

I’m always here, chained to my desk, if you need me!

Best,
Becca Nordeen
Crackerjack
Fab

I was so happy with how things turned out, I used all the credits she gave me to buy her a box of Macarons. :]

Originally posted on Quora.

Leonard Kim consults startups and writes books like The Etiquette of Social Media: How to Connect and Respond to Others in the World of Social Media

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